*grovel, grovel, plead, plead*

hi there, internetz...i have lots of stuff to say...no, no, no, take your hands off of your ears, i won't be saying much of any of that today. no, today i have a shameless plea. listening again? groovy...

pretty please with sugar on top, go here and vote for my dog's picture? i'll be ever so grateful, and i'll even dig out a working camera - if one can be found here - and show you a picture of my prize if i'm fortunate enough to get enough folks to vote for us...well, that is jumping the gun quite a bit, i admit, but hey...power of positive thinking, right?

thanks much, internetz! *smooches*

when good ideas take that wrong turn...

i should know better. truly. every now and then, i get a fantastic idea and then my tiny voice (eh, or voices. whatever.) says, but wait....it would be so much better if we did this. c'mon, do it!!!

this time it started with pork chops and slow cooking them, then shredding them, dousing it all in some lovely barbecue sauce, and narfing them down with hubby for dinner. then those blasted creative juices started firing off. waaaait...there's that can of pickled jalapeno peppers in the pantry that you've been shuffling around for months now. what would happen if we drained that, threw in a can of diced tomatoes and their juice, and let everything simmer a bit??

you'll singe the fuck out of your mouth just from the fumes, that's what'll happen. dumbass.

it wasn't a total loss. i learned all kinds of nifty things from the internet about what will help cut the fire out of a spicy dish. never got everything to die off completely, but there was *significant* improvement.

the resulting hot mess (and i mean that in every way that you could possibly interpret that phrase) was served over rice and was edible. and i'm just now getting the feeling back in my lips and tongue. j luckily is much fonder of the spicy foods than i am, and he proclaimed it to be yummy, if a bit still on the spicy side.

me 'n my bright ideas...

also. if anyone ever tells you that it's easy to rinse hellfire off of shredded pork to rescue it? they're totally lying.

codependent crazies

there are a metric ton of definitions for codependency on the interwebz, ranging from being an alcoholic's or an addict's loved one all the way up to having unhealthy boundaries and poor coping skills. one i tend to agree with the most i found at all about counseling, to wit:

...a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

*maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

*compulsive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

*sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency; chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

as the codependent daughter of a codependent daughter of several codependents, it's safe to say i've danced with what brung me, if you will. i won't go the route of blaming my childhood, but these patterns certainly developed at an early age. looking back, i can remember situations where i needed to be codependent in order to cope and, ironically, stay sane. i say "ironically" because these are the same coping skills that are driving me batshit now.

one of the things that challenges me the most as i work through my codependency issues - and there are many - is the fact that the actions of other people are not my responsibility or my problem, and that the consequences that they must face for their actions are just that. the consequences that they must face.

it is such a fine line for me to cross over from taking care of my family and loved ones to getting into a dangerous caretaking mindset. (by caretaking, i refer specifically to more of the controlling aspects of codependence, notably: believing, however subconsciously, that most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves and must be looked after; becoming resentful when others will not let me help them; offering advice and directions without being asked; etc...) j has more than once turned to me during one of my "overly helpful" moments to remind me that he is not a 4 year old and is perfectly capable of performing whatever activity he is engaged in. and he is. i'm the one with the issue.

one of my goals for this year is to reign in my "codependent crazies." namely, get my boundaries into shape, limit my caretaking reactions, release myself from "perfectionism purgatory", dial down my hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat/danger), and generally learn what it's like to feel healthy for more than a few days at a time.

the first step, as they say, is laying those cards out on the table.

wherein i learn something new...perhaps...

as we speak - more accurately, as i type - i'm roasting a whole chicken. it's only a little over 4 pounds, but it's my first one. it's just this side of terrifying, i must admit. i checked the neck...or what i assume was the neck? was a large cavity...for the oft rumored "bag o' giblets" that notoriously has been accidentally roasted within the bird a billion and one times. i found what i can only presume was the neck bone? ew. and something else that also got tossed, but no bag o' stuff. i'm hoping against hope that the folks who sent this thing to the grocery store just knew that i would be the one purchasing it and therefore took care of this little problem already.

it's a fairly small bird. maybe they didn't have room for it? pardon while i go stare at the nesco intently and will this thing to cook...

ETA: yummmmminess...beautifully roasted, and yes, there was a heart and a liver and something else that i don't really wanna know about in there when i pulled the chicken out of the roaster. luckily, they weren't in any sort of bag or anything...yes, i can be a right dumbass... :) however, the chicken fell off the bones it was so tender, and i made the best gravy. plus clio got a bit of a treat with her dinner tonight in the form of roasted heart/liver...win/win for everybody...